


In the Distance

by jane_x80



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Christmas Music, Loneliness, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 20:07:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16817566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jane_x80/pseuds/jane_x80
Summary: Gibbs broods about his past relationship with Tony, now that it is close to Christmas.ForDay 2 of the Happy Holidays Challenge on LiveJournal, the theme is Holiday Music. A story in collaboration with Red_Pink_Dots and her artwork.





	In the Distance

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Red_Pink_Dots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Pink_Dots/gifts).



> The title of the story comes from the lyrics of the song that inspired this story, [Miss You Most at Christmas Time](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAOIC737e_k) by Mariah Carey. And like last year, my lovely friend [Red_Pink_Dots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Pink_Dots/pseuds/Red_Pink_Dots) and I collaborated, working together to create a story with artwork. We had a lot of fun discussing what we thought might fit in the different themes, and it's always something else to see the artwork that she comes up with after we talk through what the plot of the story might be.
> 
> Due to RL commitments, we were not as productive as we were last year but I think we will have a few stories and artwork that hopefully you will enjoy. And whether or not the stories or artwork actually come to fruition, I know I had an extremely fun time talking about the plots and the themes with RPD. Thank you for being my Elton, RPD! *bisous*
> 
> Also participating in NaNoWriMo this year has also forced the muse to keep writing in November. Otherwise I would not have these stories written ;) And for that you can thank my lovely friend [cutsycat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutsycat/pseuds/cutsycat). She forced me to participate last year (my first time) and this year I thought, hey, I should see if I can do it again. So I did! :D
> 
> This story takes place around the present day (Christmas 2018, s16) but is AU past early s13.

[](https://i.imgur.com/zPv4iab.png)

Gibbs sat in front of the fireplace, watching the flames crackle cheerfully, feeling its flames attempt to warm his chilled body. The fire was hot, but somehow, it wasn’t enough to warm him through. Deep inside, his heart felt cold, as if it had been dunked into an icy bath.

Sure, it was winter, hell it was almost Christmas, and there was snow on the ground, so maybe it was logical that he would be cold. But this was more than just being cold. He felt frozen through and through. He felt as if he could never truly get warm. All he could think about was the sight that he’d stumbled upon today.

On the way home from work today, he’d decided to go to the home improvement store attached to the mall to get more supplies for the boat he was building in his basement. But since it was so close to Christmas, the parking lot had been incredibly full. He’d been lucky to get a parking spot at all, but it was all the way across the mall from the home improvement store, and even though Gibbs was fervently against walking through the crowded mall during a holiday season, he’d had a long day out in the field, in the cold and sleet, and he didn’t want to trudge across the parking lot outside the mall to the home improvement store in more of that same miserable weather. So he’d decided to brave the inside of the mall. Even if it would be crowded and noisy and filled with children, filled with nothing but reminders of everything he had lost. Even so, he decided it was better to be a little sad than to get any colder or wetter. It had been a really long day.

He almost changed his mind when he walked through the double doors and was immediately bombarded with holiday music, the sound coming through hidden speakers in the indoor mall. It was some ridiculously upbeat, happy song. Gibbs was not a fan of upbeat happy songs, especially about Christmas and holiday cheer. He turned to look back outside through the glass doors and sighed, seeing the icy rain and sleet still falling. He was committed to this route to the home improvement store. He could deal with a few happy songs. He could just ignore it. It wouldn’t be the first time.

He was picking his way through the throngs of people, keeping his eye on the goal line – getting to the home improvement store – when it completely blindsided him. Even in the crowd of people in a mall practically larger than the town he’d grown up in, the sound of that familiar laughter, boyish and gleeful, made him stop and turn. He saw the brown hair, styled just so, a thick scarf hanging loose around his neck, and a long, dark, woolen coat that was unbuttoned, revealing the expensive looking power suit he wore. No tie. Shirt collar open. And of course, right at that point in time, the cheerful holiday music piping through the mall turned mournful.

_The fire is burning_  
_The room’s all aglow_  
_Outside the December wind blows_

A woman was singing it, and the song stood out in Gibbs’ head because it wasn’t tinny and happy like the other songs had been so far. It was just a woman singing with not very many instruments accompanying her.

Gibbs kept his eyes on the man. He looked amazing. The suit he wore wasn’t one that Gibbs was familiar with, but that was no surprise given that it had been so long since he’d laid eyes on him. A very long time. So Gibbs kept watching him.

_Everybody's laughing_  
_The world is celebrating_  
_And everyone's so happy_

He was waiting at the bottom of the slide at the indoor playground, scooping his beautiful little daughter up and swinging her up high in the air, both of them laughing happily. He moved so confidently with his daughter, helping her when she needed help, picking her up when she raised her arms up to him, cuddling her and balancing her on his hip as he walked, as if he hadn’t ever been the guy who was literally afraid of children.

Fatherhood. It changed a person. He was a natural at it now.

The lyrics the woman was singing seemed to fit the dark mood that befell Gibbs.

_Except for me tonight_  
_Because I miss you_  
_Most at Christmas time_

A memory of Kelly at the same age as the man’s daughter was now, lifting her arms up to him, wanting to be carried, even though she was no longer a toddler, flashed through his mind and a stab of pain went through Gibbs. He was never going to get over his losses, and this time he was confronted with it. 

_And I can't get you_  
_Get you off my mind_

There was Tony DiNozzo, larger than life, in person, full color and starkly in high definition. His former Senior Field Agent, now an Assistant Director at the FBI, his former long time on again off again and now very much forever off again lover even though he was still the love of his life, running around a playground with a daughter who looked so like him, with his eyes, and his hair in Ziva’s curls instead of Tony’s straight, straight hair. His daughter had his skin and his smile. Gibbs hid himself behind a column to keep watching him.

_But then I miss you_  
_Most at Christmas time_

The words of the song stabbed a physical ache in Gibbs’ chest. Tony was still as beautiful as ever, he could see how fit Tony still was under that coat and under that no doubt crazy expensive designer suit that he was wearing. Being out of the field hadn’t softened the man one bit, but being a father, that, apparently suited him. Because he was even more beautiful to Gibbs now than ever before, shining so brightly in the playground in the mall.

Gibbs watched from behind the column as Tony played with his daughter, and then almost recoiled when he saw Jimmy Palmer and his daughter join Tony, along with McGee pushing the double stroller with the twins. Tony hugged them both in greeting and both Tali and Palmer’s kid went straight to cooing at the babies in McGee’s stroller. Apparently it was a play date for the dads and their kids.

_The whole world is rejoicing_  
_And everyone's embracing_  
_Except for you and I_

Gibbs pulled his eyes away from Tony’s still smiling face when he saw Tony twitch and look around, eyes narrowed with suspicion. He jerked himself back behind the column, concealing himself. Gibbs had been staring at him for too long and Tony’s natural watchfulness had somehow picked it up. He had always been that way, always aware when he was being watched.

Gibbs hid behind the column for a moment longer, listening to the song that never seemed to end, feeling mocked and beleaguered. After one last longing look at Tony, he strode away into the crowd, heading back to the parking lot instead of carrying on with his errand. He would have to come back and get the supplies another time as he needed to put some distance between himself and Tony. He couldn’t be here knowing that Tony was here, too, even if they were going to be in completely different sections of the mall. He couldn’t take any more of that emptiness in his heart. He made it back to his truck and drove home, feeling so cold that he needed to light a fire as soon as he got into his house.

But that feeling of coldness wasn’t physical. It was his heart yearning for what he couldn’t have. What he’d refused to allow himself to have. And what he had deliberately and cruelly thrown away. Because that was what he had done. He had been so angry at the time, but it was a poor excuse for what he’d done in response to the fury of his own helplessness. He’d allowed a child to shoot him in the chest. He’d let down his guard and wanted to give this poor kid a chance to come home, and he’d completely misjudged the situation and gotten himself shot because of it. And because Tony had been there, but hanging back, for whatever reason, it had translated in his head as something that maybe Tony could have prevented. Even though he knew that logically there was nothing Tony could have done, and he also knew, in his heart of hearts, that he had blindly trusted the boy and hadn’t thought that Luke would have the wherewithal to be able to shoot him at point blank range. In his head, he’d placed the blame for this event on Tony, and he’d carried some resentment for Tony for not reading the boy’s mind, or stopping him from disregarding his usual caution and suspicion.

And to compound matters, even though Tony had accompanied him to the aircraft carrier where Dr Taft had put him back together, when he awoke Tony was nowhere to be found. Vance had ordered him to go back and finish the work, and for the next few months, Tony went hunting and he brought down the head of the Calling, Daniel Budd, as he took down the organization piece by piece. He also acted as the MCRT Team Lead while Gibbs was in recovery and therapy, so it left him little to no time to spend with Gibbs. Which served to further increase Gibbs’ resentment of him.

All of these years that they had worked together and been together, through all their offs and their ons, one thing was always paramount: Tony’s entire attention had always been centered on Gibbs, whether they were fucking or not at the time. Gibbs had always been Tony’s first priority. _Always_. Whatever else might have been going on – whether or not they were on the outs in the bedroom and either Tony or he or both of them were seeing other people, it never mattered. If Gibbs called, Tony would drop everything and everyone and attend to him.

But not this time. Tony had been incredibly single minded in his quest to bring down Daniel Budd and the Calling, and he and the late Dorneget’s mother – who knew that that polite and gentle little agent could have been raised by such a badass mother – had made quite the pair. Gibbs kept hearing about it from other agents, other agencies, how his Senior Field Agent was making quite the name for himself in the international terrorist hunting community, and what a credit he was to both NCIS and to Gibbs. Tony had dedicated himself to this cause, and he hadn’t just dropped everything and disobeyed Vance and or anyone else in order to stay with Gibbs and nurse him back to health. Tony had disappeared into the horizon, toting his guns and shooting Daniel Budd, ridding the world of him and the awfulness that was the Calling. That they used children who were lost made the Calling and Daniel Budd that much worse than the other terrorists they’d gone up against. But Tony had taken care of business. Swiftly, efficiently, and ruthlessly.

Which made Gibbs irrationally angry. It wasn’t just the fact that Tony was making a name for himself without Gibbs. Tony was most definitely not playing second fiddle to him for this one. But especially the fact that he had called Tony and had asked him to be there for him. And Tony was only able to attend to him a few times, even when he was in the country. Tony didn’t drop everything and risk everything to be at Gibbs’ side. He’d been so busy on this international manhunt that for the first time, he couldn’t make time for Gibbs, and being left behind really stung. Tony wasn’t at his beck and call for the first time ever, and just waiting for Gibbs to pay attention to him. It was disconcerting. It was _infuriating_.

And even when Tony was in town, he was always so tired, and still busy running the MCRT in Gibbs’ absence. And even there, everyone kept complimenting Gibbs at NCIS too, for Tony’s dedication and remote work, participating in the cases that the MCRT undertook in both his and Gibbs’ absence. The MCRT’s solve rate did not suffer during Gibbs’ recuperation, even though Tony was busy running Daniel Budd to ground.

In all honesty, that irked Gibbs. And the final straw ended up being the fact that _Tony_ had been the one to shoot Daniel Budd and kill him. Not that it hadn’t been a good shooting. It had been. Not that it wasn’t justified. Of course, it was justified. There was no way someone like Budd would ever allow himself to get taken alive. But what angered Gibbs was the feeling of helplessness because _Tony_ had been the one going out there, taking care of business, while he was at home too busy being the damsel in distress in this situation. And Tony hadn’t had the good sense to wait until he, Gibbs, was in better shape to go back out in the field to finish the job. Tony didn’t make time for him, and Tony had had the gall to ride in on that god damned horse of his, and take down the entire organization, as well as its leader.

It had angered Gibbs that he had had to take a back seat. It was supposed to always be Gibbs who delivered the final blow. Tony was supposed to be his second. Not the guy who finished the job while Gibbs laid around his house doing PT and refusing to go speak to a therapist. Tony had succeeded without him, on all fronts, and in a spectacular fashion. Tony hadn’t dropped everything to pander to his every whim. Tony had somehow, after all these years of being in Gibbs’ shadow, catapulted into the forefront without Gibbs or the MCRT with him. This was Tony being Tony. This was Tony being the Tony Gibbs had always known him to be. Tony had always been brilliant. But Tony’s biggest enemy had always been his own damned insecure self. Tony would always be the one to doubt himself, and even though he would tend to be the one to figure out most of their cases, he never really objected when the credit went to Gibbs or the team as a whole.

Tony had always been a team player. He always did whatever needed to be done, and despite all the whining and complaints that came out of his mouth, he mostly did all of the thankless jobs without expecting any credit. His success with taking down the Calling had been an eye opener for a lot of people. And to see Vance just gape at his abilities above and beyond what he tended to show even to the MCRT, and in the international field instead of their usually narrow jurisdiction, while Gibbs took a back seat for once, it had totally turned Vance’s opinion of him.

But all it did was make Gibbs angry and resentful. When Tony came back after the work was done, and Gibbs was ready to get back to work, Tony had tried to just insert himself back into Gibbs’ life, as if nothing had changed. As if they were back ‘on’ again. But Gibbs had refused him. Pushed him away. Which he knew had hurt the younger man. Of course it did. Tony had always been devoted to him.

Gibbs pulled him back in after a couple of weeks, fucked themselves stupid, then broke up with him again after that. The sex was still good between them. The sex was always good between them. So he called him back a time after that for more sex, then broke up with him again. But then a few weeks after the last time Gibbs had humiliated Tony with a rejection that even he regretted, when Gibbs decided he wanted Tony back in his life again, he called Tony. And for the first time _ever_ , Tony pushed back. It had caused a huge argument between them, which, luckily took place in his basement, unwitnessed by anyone else, instead of in the squad room or someplace even more public.

Tony had finally come down to the basement after curtly telling him ‘no’ when Gibbs invited him over a couple of hours earlier. And then he’d ignored several of Gibbs’ calls, which was against Gibbs rules. Even though they had not been calls about work, Gibbs wouldn’t accept that, and had left increasingly vicious voicemail messages for Tony. And finally, finally, whatever it was Tony had been up to, he’d dropped it to come over. But instead of begging for Gibbs’ forgiveness for his tardiness, which was what the old Tony would have done, this new Tony strode down the stairs, and glared at him.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he’d growled at Gibbs.

“What’s wrong with _me_? What the fuck’s wrong with _you_?” Gibbs had barked at him.

“Why? Because I refuse to let you keep jerking me around anymore?”

“I’m not jerking you around. I asked you to be here and you refused me.”

“That’s right. I did,” Tony’s eyes were narrowed. “I tried to be here while I was off doing my fucking job, hunting down members of the Calling and tracking down Daniel Budd, but you kept trying to take my mind off of the job and make me abandon it to come and babysit you. Even though you knew that this op would save who knows how many innocent civilian lives, not to mention rescue and maybe rehabilitate those poor kids that Budd was using, you didn’t care because you weren’t part of that effort. You had to sit this one out and now you’re making that a problem for me.”

Gibbs had been thunderstruck. Sure, Tony was sassy and he’d always questioned Gibbs if Gibbs went too far, but he’d never attacked him before.

“I tried to be normal around you, resume our usual relationship, because that’s what we always do. but you weren’t done yet. You wanted to punish me so you fucking mess with my head. Insult me. Humiliate me. Push all my buttons. Jerk me around. Pushed me aside as if the last fifteen years have meant _nothing_ to you,” Tony was still talking. “Obviously it did mean nothing to you. And now that you’ve decided you want me back again, for now, for whatever sick whim you have in mind for now, you just make a phone call and expect me to come running. You probably want to make me jump through hoops to deserve being part of your life again, right? To beg for my place at your feet again. Well I’m here to tell you I’m _done_. I’m done wanting you to love me the way I loved you, because you’re not capable of it. I’m done pretending that the last fifteen years with you have meant anything at all to you, because you’ve proven time and again that it doesn’t. I’m your Senior Field Agent, and whatever the fuck else we used to be outside of work – which right now, from my point of view, is basically that I was merely your fucktoy – we’re done with that part of it. Rule 12? Your own fucking rule? I’m holding you to it now. Stop calling me. I’m not letting you fuck me, ever again. I’m not your booty call or your whipping boy. Not anymore.”

Gibbs stared at him. “This how you want to play this?” he’d asked softly, his tone definitely a warning.

Tony squared his jaw and nodded. “It’s about time I take control of my life again,” he told Gibbs.

“You think you can just walk away from me?” Gibbs sneered.

“Watch me.” He turned and headed up the stairs.

“I’ll make your life a living hell.”

Tony half turned his body, and his smile was bitter and sad. “Who says it wasn’t already,” he returned. “How would anything you throw at me now make my life any different?”

For the rest of the week, Gibbs benched Tony. No going after the leads, even the ones that he himself had dug up. No talking to witnesses. No interrogations. No ‘grab your gear’. Not even to help work the crime scene. He was stuck at his desk, and both McGee and Bishop didn’t understand what was going on. They never did. They’d never understood the power Gibbs had had over Tony. Gibbs hated himself, but he did derive a kind of sick pleasure at the helplessness he could see in Tony’s eyes. That he couldn’t strike back, couldn’t take control of his life, the way he’d claimed to be doing. And he loved seeing McGee and Bishop try to stand up for him, and the ease at which he slapped them both down.

But Tony had only taken a week of that kind of treatment, a week during which he almost never spoke to or even looked at Gibbs, keeping a mask of patient and calm deference on his face all week, refusing to let Gibbs see how frustrated he must be feeling. But at the end of the week, he handed Gibbs an envelope.

“I gave Vance a copy of this earlier,” he told Gibbs, meeting his blue eyes head on. “My resignation. Thanks for the opportunity to work with you on the MCRT all these years.”

McGee’s jaw had dropped, as had Bishop’s. And Gibbs? Gibbs had been numb. He hadn’t thought that Tony would take his anger this far. This was _Tony_ after all. Tony was the most forgiving person that ever lived. Hell, Tony still had a relationship with his father, had wanted it, sought it out, even though the man had been a deplorable, neglectful, abusive father. Senior had historically treated Tony much worse than Gibbs ever had. All of these years, Tony had always been Gibbs’ shadow, his loyal Saint Bernard, always doing what he could to make Gibbs or the MCRT look good. But now Tony was quitting. Gibbs had never expected Tony to _resign_. He’d thought that Tony would take his bastardism for a couple more months before he would come to Gibbs, begging for things to return to normal.

“I’ve made good use of my time benched this week. My paperwork is mostly up to snuff, so I’ll take the remaining time left to train McGee on all the work he’ll need to pick up. If you would like me to, I’ll help narrow down some candidates to make a fourth for the MCRT.”

Gibbs had just stared at him and at the envelope in his hand. Tony was quitting?

Tony had given him a solemn nod, and returned to his desk, ignoring the reactions of all of his teammates. And two weeks later, without any fanfare, his desk was cleaned out. No more Mighty Mouse stapler and an endless supply of super glue. No nothing.

The first morning that Gibbs came to work to Tony’s empty desk had been harder than Gibbs had thought it would be. Tony was gone, and it was all Gibbs’ fault. There was some resentment from Bishop, given that Gibbs had obviously been discriminating against Tony that last week, before he handed in his notice. But McGee was too busy trying to cope with the extra workload Tony leaving caused him. He’d apparently underestimated what all it meant to be Gibbs’ Senior Field Agent and was now learning just how much crap Gibbs had passed on to Tony. But Gibbs couldn’t even take any pleasure at McGee’s realization of how wrong he’d been about what Tony did for the team.

Instead, Gibbs sat at his desk, staring at Tony’s desk and empty cubicle for what seemed like hours, just missing him. Missing the little dances and drumming of fingers, the biting of Tony’s luscious lips, the flash of his dimples. His teasing tone whenever he spoke to McGee or Bishop. The shark-like gleam in his eye when he was on the verge of a breakthrough for a case.

Gibbs ended up leaving the building, sitting in the diner for an hour, just drinking coffee, before he could go back to his desk and function as the lead of an MCRT that no longer counted Tony DiNozzo as a member.

A month later, he heard that Tony had, after being courted by the various alphabet soup organizations in DC, decided to take an Assistant Director position with the FBI in their counter terrorism division. And months later, after that crazy case that ended up with Ziva dying in her farmhouse in Israel, and Gibbs’ team and Fornell going after Trent Kort and taking him down, when Orli Elbaz brought the daughter that Tony hadn’t known about to him in DC, he’d embraced that new role of single father while still managing to continue to make a name for himself in the world of counter terrorism, Gibbs had refused to even acknowledge his existence. McGee and Bishop never spoke about him in his presence, and the new people on their team also learned not to bring Tony up. Gibbs’ relationship with Abby had become strained because she blamed him for not appreciating what Tony brought to the team, and to their little NCIS family. And now even Abby had left him and NCIS, citing a weak, yet believable excuse, a need to devote herself full time to a non-profit and charity work. Even though Gibbs knew that he’d broken her heart and made her lose faith in him after how he treated Tony.

Two years after Tony quit, Gibbs had managed to keep him out of sight out of mind for the most part. Last Christmas had been difficult because Tony used to come by on Christmas eve, bringing Gibbs the saddest tree. He always rescued the sad trees from the Christmas tree lots, always feeling bad for the rejects. So that first Christmas after they started working together, he’d brought Gibbs a sad, droopy, dried up little tree and decorated it haphazardly, and he always turned those beautiful green eyes to him, eyes lit up just like the Christmas tree he’d just put together. Never seeing how pathetic it was, but instead he only saw that it was a tree that had found a home, and was fulfilling its purpose.

Gibbs had always felt that Tony identified with the sad little Christmas trees he brought around. And he’d never objected. But he hadn’t expected it to hit him that hard, that first Christmas where no one brought him a tree, it had been very difficult. He’d sat and moped, and ended up forcing his team to work because he didn’t want to be alone for the holidays. Which he was now, of course.

He thought he heard something outside – maybe carolers singing in the distance – so he went to the window and looked out. Words from that infernal song at the mall drifted in his mind.

_I gaze out the window_  
_This cold winter's night_  
_At all of the twinkling lights_  
_Alone in the darkness_  
_Remembering when you were mine_

He’d known, of course, that surely McGee and his team hadn’t broken off all ties with Tony just because he had. But he hadn’t realized that they were close enough to have playdates for their children. That they were still good friends. Even including that little autopsy gremlin, Palmer. Gibbs stumbled over his own thoughts because autopsy gremlin had been Tony’s nickname for Palmer. He needed to stop thinking about Tony. But tonight was the first time Gibbs had seen him since Tony had quit NCIS.

It hurt Gibbs because Tony looked so happy. His daughter was thriving. He’d maintained a good relationship with McGee and Palmer, and no doubt was still close friends with both Bishop and Abby. Hell, Abby had basically picked Tony over Gibbs when they’d had their falling out. So now Gibbs was sitting here alone, imagining a Christmas tree in his house, a big one, beautifully decorated, and gorgeous, lit up with colorful lights, a star right at the top of the tree. He wished that he’d done that for Tony. Just once. Given him a proper Christmas tree. To show Tony that he wasn’t just a little reject that could be spruced up and saved at the last minute. That he was a real tree, gorgeous and beautiful and deserving of everything good. How brightly would he have smiled then?

But Gibbs hadn’t even realized that he had feelings for Tony until that Christmas after he rejected Tony and then Tony had turned around and rejected him right back. He’d just kept working and ignoring any problems. But during that first Christmas with no sign of Tony, he realized that that hole in his heart wasn’t healing because he had real feelings for his former SFA. He loved Tony. Had loved him for all these years, but had stubbornly ignored it and abused his relationship with Tony to get his way. He’d picked on him, smacked him down, used him as a verbal and sometimes physical punching bag to get through his own bad days, and he’d probably never actually given any thought to what Tony needed. Well, there were times when he was nice to the man, sure, but the bad outweighed the good. Although they had never had any trouble in the sack. But sex couldn’t fix everything.

Gibbs went back to sit by the fire, not even seeing the flames anymore. He glanced out the window, and tried to put the memories out of his head, but he couldn’t. Maybe it was because it was Christmas. Maybe it was because he’d seen the man, in person, that evening.

All he could see in his mind’s eye now was Tony’s smile as he played with his daughter. His smile when he greeted McGee and Palmer and their kids. The joy in his smile as he embraced his friends and his family. How he used to freely bestow that smile on Gibbs. Tony used to joke that he got the job with NCIS because of his smile. But he wasn’t far off the mark. Gibbs had fallen for him practically right away, he’d been blindsided by Tony’s smile, Tony’s snark, his attitude, and his brilliance with case work. He was perfect. And when Tony had fallen into bed with him, practically right away, it had been amazing.

Tony had been everything to him for so long, but he hadn’t ever acknowledged it, not even to himself. Now he was left sitting alone at Christmas time, missing him more than he would have ever imagined. He could have even become a father figure for little Tali, and made a new family with Tony. But he had lost it all. It was all his own damned fault. For taking advantage of Tony for all these years. For never appreciating the gift that Tony was, for bringing laughter and love into his life. Even though he’d tried for years not to allow any love or laughter into his life, seeing it as a betrayal of the memories of Shannon and Kelly.

He couldn’t help but feel that he was alone in the world now. Sitting here, sad and alone. Tony had been laughing when he saw him today. Smiling. He was _happy_ without him. Gibbs hadn’t seen him smile like that very much in the last couple of years that Tony had been with him.

Gibbs had been the one to make him lose his smile.

He sat in the firelight, remembering how Tony felt in his arms, sleeping cuddled up with him. Tony had been like an octopus, all arms and legs, all in his space. He’d always loved the times when Tony was like that, pliant and warm and sated, wanting to do nothing but curl his body around Gibbs and sleep. Or the days when Tony was bright and happy, smiling at everything and everyone, usually until Gibbs smacked his happy attitude away. Because he could. He remembered Tony’s flirtatious looks. Tony’s voice, which always aroused Gibbs. Tony’s stupidly expensive suits. Because god, could that man wear a fucking suit.

He’d looked amazing today. His style was timeless. Always classy. Coat, scarf, suit, starched shirt. Everything put together perfectly. He’d obviously come straight from work. He was the most well dressed man running around the indoor playground with his daughter. No doubt the moms at that playground got wet just watching him with his daughter. Those bitches.

He wondered how many people Tony had fucked since he left. Or if Tony had fallen in love with someone else, and was happy with someone else now that Gibbs wasn’t in the picture anymore, ready to fuck with any healthy relationships that he might have had. He wondered if those people out there realized how lucky they were that he was in the world with them. Because now all Gibbs could do was miss him. Miss him so much he knew that he would never recover from this.

_Every other season comes along_  
_And I'm all right_  
_But then I miss you_  
_Most at Christmas time_

He couldn’t be happy anymore. Not even the thought of joining Shannon and Kelly in the afterlife was a comfort anymore. Because they would agree that he’d wasted so many chances at happiness now. They would never have wanted him to be so miserable and so alone. Nor would they have approved of his deplorable treatment of Tony. But he’d chosen this path. It was too late for him now.

He sat and thought about Tony, and his girls, feeding the fire every so often. He missed Tony and even though Tony was still alive, he was just as far out of reach for Gibbs as Shannon and Kelly were.

He sat by the fireplace until dawn broke, the rays of the weak winter sun startling him out of his reverie.

It was time to get his act together, get himself ready and go to work. Work would help cushion him from thoughts of Tony today. And he would keep himself busy, through the rest of the year. Although he wasn’t looking forward to next Christmas when he would still keep looking around his house, waiting for a sad little Christmas tree to turn up.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was built around the song [Miss You Most at Christmas Time](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAOIC737e_k) by Mariah Carey. This song was actually suggested to me in a comment by MKM1963 in last year's Holiday Music story, [Someone Special](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13090326). I hope they enjoyed the result of this song!
> 
> Of course, lots of love and thanks to ma cherie [Red_Pink_Dots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Pink_Dots/pseuds/Red_Pink_Dots) for being my co-conspirator, my plot bouncer off-er, my collaborator, my Elton, my omegareader, and my dear friend. *calins* Love you, RPD!
> 
> Look at the fabulous artwork RPD made! I think Gibbs looks sad and lonely here, perfect for the story and the song. And also many thanks to RPD for her patience in trying to come up with titles for this LOL. I had some harebrained ideas, and in the end went with what was RPD's early suggestions :D Merci beaucoup, ma cherie!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Art for In the Distance](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16814422) by [Red_Pink_Dots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Pink_Dots/pseuds/Red_Pink_Dots)




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